DRON (A).. GROAN!!!

 Well the first review of a film on my blog… hold on to your seats…

 

The film is about an ‘asur’/demon searching for his elixir of immortality. Trust me if you walk into the movie and actually walk out you can consider yourself not far from being immortal… and that’s the biggest...rather only takeaway from the 2 hr and 45 minute saga of misplaced creativity and plagiarism that ever appeared on the big screen.

 

Well the movies that I was reminded of while watching Drona is?  

1) Harry Potter

2) Lord of the Rings

3) Indiana Jones and the last crusade

4) Da Vinci Code

5) Ajooba

6) Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

7) The Mummy

8) All of the above.

Well the answer most definitely is option 8. Believe me this movie would make a killing in the villages and all those places yet to witness Hollywood, cuz the special effects were quite near awesome (copies) of things we have already seen… But at Rs 330 a ticket I am sure all who graced the hall (not many) have already seen these a gazzilion times before.

 

Let me try and do a budget analysis of the movie. Well lets see… Let me try and imagine what must have run through Goldie Behl’s mind while imagining the movie. Well of course one thing that is common to all the movies mentioned above is the Special Effects. So obviously I put aside 99% of all the funds that I have in cheap thrills. The next 1% I distribute as follows: 0.5% to hire only 4 actors. The rest were either English beggars or the unemployed I-Bank expressionless (not much different from beggars today) picked up from the English roadside. 0.3% in Costumes. 0.2% in creating the most awful musical score in the history of demon kind… and hey wait with my daddy’s given pocket money let me hire a script writer and story teller.

 

So you know what I saw… some very colourful trash.

 

Let me now try and relive all the brilliance all that was so non-subtly copied in the film.

 

Harry Potter: He lived in the closet under the stairs… obviously Drona has to live in the loft. Harry was an orphan … shit Drona thought he was an orphan till he met his mother at the ripe age of 29. Harry wasn’t loved… how could Drona possibly be??? The truth is it is one thing to imagine a 11 year old harry learning about his powers and another thing to see a bearded abhishek bachan (male 29) playing around with his new found strength. Hey wait there is but one last copy… Harry was always protected by squibs and neighbours… Well here we had the English beggar club.

 

Lord of the Rings: Well the sword-wielding dead kings on horses were there obviously. The hood and non-visible black face were copied to perfection.

 

Indi Jones: Take the name of the Lord and step forward was what Indi had to do in the last crusade. The leap of faith. Well Drona had to have faith didn’t he???

 

Da-Vinci Code: The treasure hunt but obviously. And also the secret society of beggars and their horrifying dance rituals.

 

Ajooba: abhishek.” Hey dad played a superhero. I wanna I wanna… boo hoo…. Fund this movie… sob” and also the sword stuck in the stone.

 

Chitty Chitty bang bang: Now here’s a difficult connection. Although no direct copies… the colourful structures and creation of fantasy in the middle of nowhere and also the puppets belonging to the Devil.

 

The Mummy: Well can we forget the face in the sand. If producers of Mummy had a copyright for that they would have made more money by now than from the film. Hey don’t forget the bracelet worn by the little kid. And obviously in India our kids are always atleast 25 year olds.

 

Now you would be thinking. WOW!!! The money of one ticket and memories of 7 of the most favourite few movies… Yeah well if you look at it that way. Trust me in moviemaking the sum of the whole is almost always way less than the sum of its parts.

 

Certain puzzling things:

1)      Why did Abhishek Bachan have to wear a skull cap and warm jacket even after reaching his homeland in the desert at 45 degree C.

2)      Also did they think he was looking cool wearing that in a Fort that reminds us of our glorious past?

3)      Why did they have to shoot half the movie in England? Were the beggar actors cheaper there?

4)      Why in the 21^st century did they have to speak Hindi in a manner that takes 3 minutes for them to utter and 10 for the audience to understand. Am dead sure the audience below 12 did not understand a word of the Urdu cum polished Hindi.

5)      Why was the movie so long and the pace so slow. If it was half its length atleast the audience would have been able to resist the slow poisoning.

6)      Why did everyone have to add a ‘saa’ to the end of Royalty’s names? Eg: Adi-saa. Maharani-saa. Su-saa-id.

7)      Finally who the hell names people the way these people did. Their names were from the 18^th century. Gap clothes from the 21^st. Hindi from the prehistoric and the entire experience… completely pathetic.

 

 

Lastly : India has grown up and enforced the Smoking Ban. Now the censor board must realize and enable the Musical Ban. The worst music you can hear at the worst places you would expect… seems to be the motto of the music directors and film directors alike. Maybe they should try a model wherein they play it all at the beginning or all at the end. That way atleast we need not feel like su-saa-id every minute of reel-time.

 

For me the only saving grace was the cartoon sketches of the mythical past. We should hire the cartoonist and make India’s first good animation movie.