Now...

Calcutta-Way... the last 2 days or 2 decades

2010-12-19T10:09:00.000-08:00

Calcutta… Kolkata… or Home!!! The first time I’ve been in the City in the last almost 2 years… with both time on my hands and friends!!!

The Obvious Question… How much has changed? The Not-So Obvious Answer… Nothing!!!

If I had the same set of people around in the same Presidency Canteen, Today, I know the discussion would still very much be the same… may not be the topic, which may have shifted from Mr. Marx to Mr. Obama, but surely nothing else…

There was a time… when in between rounds and teas, time itself came to a halt… morning passed into afternoon and then into night and then into morning… life was warped around a culture… an attitude… not merely subjects, booze or people!!! Not a boozer back then but you get the point… surely…

Kolkata, or College Street was like a colourful postcard pasted in a fabric of time… Even today, when great-insecurities such as beer-belly, falling hair and monotony govern our daily living… the faces round that canteen are still the same… not the same people but the same look, the same atmosphere… even now women-smokers far outnumbering the men, the one-bearded history/pol-science/philosophy student, the one Eco-Cool dude, the one Physics- I Know it all- just huddled into the morphed existence around the cultural melee…

If I had to ask the Canteen guy who’s been around for over 30 years, what’s changed… probably the only thing other than his hair, and kids would be the dressing of the people around his canteen… which I would say has undergone a distinct improvement, but then again that’s just me!!!

When people criticize “My City” and say that nothing moves, nothing changes, no one cares in the more ‘Real’ monetary aspirations, career-istic instinct, I have often wondered… is the guy critical or jealous…?

In a purely hypothetical scenario, if every guy like me could come back into the City once every 5-10 years, and just see that ‘His Canteen’, ‘His Wall Painting’, ‘His Ideology’ and ‘His Life’ were still ‘His’ wouldn’t that be the most secure moment in an otherwise ‘complicated’ life – whether great or not-so-good??? Maybe the people have changed, but not the faces, not the lives not the ‘Being – composed of heritage-culture-values’…

Call me just a ‘Stupid-Bong’ with ‘Nostalgic-Sentiments’ in his breath and no ambition to be forward-looking, even for the state… but I sincerely believe (although I really don’t have the statistics to prove it), that more number of us, that believed in freedom from petty-classroom-driven-academics, believed in a sense of one-ness, believed in gossip and fun, and have spent most of our college-lives practicing such beliefs, have done far better, in every societal-driven definition of success than many of our counterparts!!!

I guess the critical bit was ‘Freedom’!!! Freedom from conformity… freedom to do what one wanted… freedom to choose!!! If I compare such a culture with most of our so-called ‘Educators’, they would be misfits!!! If I compare such a culture to most of our ‘successful’ academics, businessmen and literary… they match!!! Thus the more-than-obvious inference, “Most of our ‘Educators’ are simply not ‘Successful’ in their own definitions of the term”!!!

I was lucky to have been part of a culture, an attitude than was largely non-conformist… and when I go down to the same canteen, year-after year- after year (ok, stop!!! It hasn’t been so long… yet!!!) I still hope to see the same… the same look on their faces… the same attitude and above all the same bonding force… the Culture… The ‘Calcutta-Way’!!!

most beautiful diwali... alone

2010-11-05T10:05:00.000-07:00

It all started with a simple facebook status update at 8 in the morning… a song… a face………………,,,,,. Both haunting, both mysterious, both lasting………

The eyes asking…, inviting…. urging to look beyond… look behind them into the depths of space!!! The face smiling ever so slightly, as if a warning… the eyes warm and welcoming… the face a link to this life… the eyes another!!!

Sitting at my table, as always, turned on by music… the urge to express… the bluntness of language against the continuity of music… the impossibility of words to be able to express what transcends the soul…

The lights outside… the festivity… the noise… the expression of joy… the feeling of warmth… the collective insatiable urge of all to be loved!!!

Loneliness……….. the bliss… the feeling… the knowledge of love… the need to be accepted, approved and loved… in moments such as these, the real beauty of life flashes through the soul…….

The want to be Alive….. the peaks of darkness in the otherwise plateau of routine,,,
The sighs getting longer,,, minutes at a time,,, the throbbing pain against the chest,,, the happiness from the realization… to be alive,… to be human,,, to be loved!!!

The most beautiful diwali… the darkness of the room, mind and soul set alight by the colours outside the window,,, the recognition of human bond,,, the satisfaction to know what only man can,,, to feel what only man can,,, to understand what only man can… the colours in my mind in an otherwise white background…

Nothing like an evening of solitude,,, encompassed by celebration of joy, music… to make us alive……..all over again!!!

The Great Andheri Adventure

2010-10-06T08:45:00.000-07:00

It was the first time ‘Stupid-Dip’ (or I) was travelling to meet ‘S’ (No points for guessing), All the way to Andheri in the frickin rains of Mumbai…

Btw I had written this a coupla months back without knowing that on writing this piece, the Rain-God would shower me with 10-equivalent Monsoons… Its all dried up now, and I have finally mustered the courage to publish this post…
But before I begin, a Sermon (All Rise) …

O ‘Rain-God’, Our lakes are full, water flows from the tap all round the day, Please Spare us!!!

Prologue

Once upon a time Stupid-Dip partook in an adventure… from Cuffe Parade to Andheri (East) to meet S… Moral of the Story… Dip is Stupid and Mumbaikars are Evil Robots on Energizer batteries!!!

Chapter 1: Leaving the Work Place

No Boss in Office… Stupid-Dip (or I) leaves @ 5:30…Sharp!!! Only hope of getting to Station… 1 Khatara 20-seater Office Bus, having an engine of a TVS, Color of Fresh Crap, the bus-seats smelling almost as bad, 50 sarkari maid-servants (‘naukar’) not very much unlike myself with their ‘pregnant-bellies’ and Me… All waiting to reach Churchgate just to BEGIN THE journey…

At this point I realize that my beloved ‘Happy’ Chaata has been stolen by the evil ROBOT Taxi Wala… and it’s raining like GOD has a bladder problem…

Not to be disappointed or deterred with some of God’s pee-blessing on his head the protagonist Stupid-Dip decides to replace the beloved memory of his ‘Happy’ with something called a ‘Sardar-Branded’ Chaata… wonder why Helicopters’ need chaatas??? A word about my ‘Sardar’… It closes only when it is open!!! In case you are wondering what eccentric mathematical puzzle this is… don’t bother, basically the chaata only latches when its spokes are pointing outwards like Krishna’s Chakra… So it’s either a shorter Chakra or a Hawaldar’s Dandi…but always a WMD!!!

Chapter 2: Churchgate is no ‘Gate-way’ to Heaven

After having somehow exited the ‘Sarkari-Band-wagon’, I began my descent into the Netherlands… a very wet Churchgate Hell of a subway… Somehow I managed to keep my focus on the only ‘Soles’ in front and somehow took a ‘Swim-of-Faith’ over the watery grave and landed onto the other side…

Having crossed I was posed with 2 options… which read… Virar-Fast or Andheri-Slow…

Let me start by explaining the 2 choices as it would appear to a ‘Normal’ person… Virar is a station located only a few light-years from Churchgate, and Andheri is only a few million miles… Fast trains only stop at those stations which have the capacity to hold 1 billion evil mumbaikars, and slow stops at them all… the fast travels at the speed of light and the slow at the speed of Bareilly’s Cow driven Station Wagons… net effect, if I took Virar (F) I could reach Andheri in 25 mins (IF I Survived) and if I take the Bareilly express I would reach in over an hour…

Now let’s talk about REALITY… The train Virar (F) is actually called “Virar or Death” while the Andheri(S) is called “If you value your life and don’t stay in Virar… take this” … Apparently it is fabled that even if there is no one but you in the Virar (F) some hidden force holds you back at any other stop… However, God-forbid if there are people a consensus is quickly reached where in you are told that if you exit at any stop but Virar, they will kill you… One 80-kilo colleague (this is before he became a sarkari naukar…now he is 120) had to jump on the other side on the rail tracks to escape the Virar Panchayat just because he let the words slip “I will get off at Andheri”… Sure he was ‘DROPPED OFF’!!!

Thus I took the ‘Life’ option and got onto the ‘Andheri & Still Alive’ option…

Chapter 3: The Andheri Transporter

Not too much happened here… other than the guy sitting next to me playing Solitaire on a cell phone… which I swear Blackberry Top-brass could not tell apart but was Called Ass-ys… So while he played with his ‘Ass’ I continued my Mental Preparation of the Unknown - to finally alight at the Destination… Andheri… True to its name it symbolizes ‘The Dark’ (Not just cuz all the Tam-expats stay here) but because like ‘Mordor’ it is indeed a land of Darkness…

Chapter 4: The Endless Walk

To give you a fair idea of my journey ahead let me first explain S’s house… S’s house is a ‘Palace’ (read – 2BHK in Mumbai parlance) surrounded by a moat of Garbage… Like the Lotus which is born amidst all that crap created by the millions of Mumbai… Thankfully it wasn’t flooded!!! S’s house is situated exactly 10 mins from the station and 5 mins from the Highway – the ideal location… How tough could it possibly be???

Having emerged from the Andheri - Transporter, I found myself in the Pacific Ocean of Homo-sapienses… trust me I was like one droplet in an ocean… I had no way to go but forward at an acute angle towards the Overhead Corridor in the footsteps of my ‘Sole-Mate’… I was often given the ‘elbow’ for not maintaining the correct angle and somehow got to the Overhead in the Flow… By the time I emerged my 2500 Buck ‘Hush-Puppies’ were screaming like pups whose tails were run over by screaming auto rickshaws…

Just as I was about to exit the station I found that my swimming skills would be put to the test… there were Gi-normous Puddles all around me and all the other homo-sapienses were playing hopscotch on little bricks and every time they missed one there was a BIGG SPLASHHH and everyone was wet upto their Undies…

As soon as I managed to ‘wade’ through I entered a One-way… It was a bleddy Human-One-Way… There were people only moving in 1 direction… and all against me… All of them trying to gauge my eyes out with their Happy Chaatas while I had poor Sardar… So I started walking Blind… Didn’t matter much as everytime I got hit on both sides I knew I was on the right way…

By the time I reached… I COULDN’T BELIEVE I HAD DONE IT… I was wet… My shirt was wet from the rain outside and the sweat inside (not just my own)… I somehow managed to cross the moat of garbage and walked in…

Wait that’s not all…

Final Chapter: The ABODE

The guard at the entrance: Where are you going?

Dip: 6th Floor

Guard: Where?

Dip: 6th Floor

Guard: Where?

Dip: 6th Floor

…………… This continued in a circular loop for a few more times before the Lift came… Btw the official Code of Ethics of the Building is that ‘No Mulgas Allowed’… the First time I thought it was ‘Murgas’ and took great offense, but as it turns out Mulga means Boy… So the Guard was only doing his job…

Btw the Bldg is on Super-Energy-Saver Mode… the Fan only comes on when u press on a button… and I mean keep pressing or else it stops… So if you want it slightly slower than Full speed… You have to press, then leave, Press then leave… and so on…

Epilogue

STUPID-DIP HAD REACHED! He had met S. Made the trip worthwhile didn’t it???

God-Minded - Do we need to believe!!!

2010-09-27T09:10:00.000-07:00

Now, why did I choose to write about such a topic? Well on the eve of the ‘Ayodha’ verdict, it seems pathetic that an argument about the history of a ‘piece’ of land can cause as much heart-burn as it does in the modern 21st century AD.

I mean look at what the fighting is about… Imagine today you or I have built a nice 5 story apartment in the city of our choice. Now, consider that you are bankrupt some 20 years down the line and the State seizes your property and hands it over to whosoever will want to buy it. Now imagine some 150 years down the line, your 8th generation and the current owners 7th generation get into a blood-fight over the property!!! I mean Grow Up!!!

Although even I would not make such a trivialization of the emotions that are our Country, it is important to realize that all this blood is wasted simply because of a belief in the Non-Existent… Let me ask all of you a question… If I told you that there indeed was no God, or atleast there is no ‘Perceivable’ God, would you still fight as much as you do now???

For some of you who are already wincing, let us say before heading on to the more critical areas of this essay, that supposing there is ‘a’ God, or ‘The’ God, depending on your religious inclinations, would you still justify man-woman-child-slaughter in His Name?

For, some of you and most of you who shall ever read this article, who are truly peace-loving inspite of being religious, you have to understand modern day societal problems can never be solved till you guys stop instilling in your children the sense of a supernatural being… more importantly ‘Your Personal Supernatural Being’…

When does One fight? When One is afraid of losing something precious or is desirous to gain something precious. In this case it is a bit of both. Per say if ‘The Verdict’ goes one way or the other, either you are happy that ‘Your Being’ has won or miserable that He has lost!!! Although many of you will try to disagree even after feeling strongly on the issue, you will slowly realize that in the end it is all about ‘Your’ Ego, or collectively the Ego of ‘Your Kind’. I am here as you can see, completely ignoring ‘political will’ simply as politics is nothing but channelizing the emotions of ‘The People’. If there are No Emotions, then there is no political will.

Now let us discuss the relevance of having a religious belief. Consider that for a moment, your parents would not have subscribed to any of the popular religions, but had a very personal ‘family-God’. Now, you can name Him anything. Here, is where you consider that, Will this God be as useful to you as any of the more popular ones? Obviously there would be no religious ‘places’ of worship where you meet a million other worshippers simply because no one else subscribes to ‘Your God’, but does it make such a huge difference?

I really don’t know…

However, I do believe that it would not make much of a difference!!! How much of our belief actually stems from Others??? This is an especially tricky question for all ‘Believers’, since you are taught not to care about others’ opinions to be the reason for your belief in the first place. However, it is a fact, that collective belief strengthens the credibility in our own belief. I mean this is the basis of all religious practice. In a circular fashion, your belief gives credibility and validates my belief, although the creation is actually mine. Thus there can never be any ‘Proof’ simply because ‘I’ cannot be God, unless you believe me to be ‘God’.
Now imagine a society, where everyone had their own –God. There is no fighting amongst people although most of the benefits of having ‘The God’ is attached to ‘a’ God.

Now coming to the more critical area of this article, Do we need ‘God’?
To understand this aspect, let us try and trace the origins of Religious belief. When were all the religions drafted? A Long Long Time Back…

Even the most recent popular ones are atleast a couple of thousand years old. Did we need Religion then??? The answer is a most resounding ‘Yes’. Why? In my mind I can trace atleast 5 reasons why we needed Religion…

1) Religion as Science: If you trace the origins of scientific thought, you will realize that for most of the couple of thousand years barring the last 3 centuries at most, Religion served as a replacement to Science. In fact, Religion actually tried to bridge the gap of our understanding of Ourselves. And to understand ourselves, we have to understand our place in the Scheme of Things… Thus emerges the ‘Scheme’… and this Scheme is nothing but Religion.

2) Religion as Law: Consider this, there is no Law of the Land. Today I walk into your house, Kill you with my own hands, usurp your wealth and am a ‘happy’ man. Man is ‘Greedy’. Excessively so!!! So to curb the animalistic instinct of the Human race, a law had to be invented. Religion was Law.

3) Religion as a Country: How are countries defined? By land??? If you see trace the history of the world, you will realize that Country is nothing but a collection of power. What is power? Power is the collective will of a large set of people. If for a moment we are willing to consider the time before technological advancement, we will realize that a simple collection of people is Power. Can a country be powerful, unless united by a single goal? No! What we today, call patriotic and will die for our country, was the same for Religion. Thus religion served the same purpose as a Country.

4) Religion as Distorted for Power and Emergence of Sub-Religions: Although religion as power, is covered in the last point itself, this is slightly different. Through the ages religion has been distorted for power. Thus the ‘Existing religion’ has been manipulated, mutilated by whosoever was the most powerful at that point for more power. To create a bigger country, to be richer!!! Thus, all of our religions have factions. Even in the modern world if you look at Northern Ireland, Iraq, sub-religions are fighting and have fought against each other, although they are but Mono-theistic. Can there be a bigger paradox???

5) Religion as Hope: This is probably the most significant aspect of religious thought. All religions converge on this one point. It points to Heaven. If you consider the state of the ancient human, you would realize that hope is probably the only thing that could give them courage. At a time, when common cold and tuberculosis, and malaria and plague claimed the lives of huge percentages of the population, and floods and volcanoes killed a few other, and the sun did not ‘rise’ during an eclipse, we were vulnerable. Our fear of death, was probably far more than in the modern day, life expectancy was not even a concept!!! What does one do? Probably the single most important reason for believing in religion is ‘fear of death.’ Thus our Hope was actually Religion. We wanted to believe, that there is something/someone who can/will protect us from my enemies/nature/disease. Thus religion was hope.

Coming to the Only Question that emerges from the flow of thought. Do we need Religion today?

Here we must segregate the Privileged and the Under-Privileged, simply as the same set of assumptions do not work for both.

First, speaking of the underprivileged, the question is much deeper and difficult to answer. It comes from the most important point above, Hope. Living below the poverty line, not knowing whether you will eat tomorrow, not having seen a book of knowledge; the thought of after-life, heaven is truly appealing. If you question religion you question the remaining existence of your life, your peace. Yes, Lack of religion for the poor, is something that cannot be answered as easily, as religion is probably the only consolation of their lives.

I really do not know the answer to the above yet.

However, let us talk of the privileged. Those of you who are reading this. How important is religion actually to us. If I told you that we do not need a God, even if He truly does exist, would you laugh at me??? Tell me when was the last time you have truly questioned the ‘Miracle’ that happened to you, that made your belief stronger? Tell me one instance that any of you can prove that the reason things happened could not be interpreted in any way, and I will join you in your belief!!!

For you as for me, religion and God, are not that different. I am also human, and drawn to the same necessities as you. God for me as as Big, as God for you. But see what ‘God’ is doing to our society. From Israel to Palestine, Kashmir to Afghanistan, Ireland to Bosnia, ‘He’ is devastating Everything. If there is a God, He Himself would at this time urge us to stop believing in him!!!

My sincere request to all of you. When you are blessed with generations below you, do not poison them as we have been poisoned!!! Let them be free, and One day, They will Set Us Free!!!

The ever so appropriate Word... FUCK!!!

2010-04-02T06:26:00.000-07:00

Well let me start with this... I BLOODY HELL DONT FUCKING KNOW WAT I'M GOING TO BE wRITING IN THEsE NEXT FUCKING LINES...

If you've noticed the marked change in the language as compared to my previous writings' its cuz i've been deeply influenced by the series call 'Californication' which I've been sucking up like cheap booze for the last few weeks...

Seems the perfect life doesnt it??? The aAmerican way of life... the washed up, be-a-writer, drive a porche that hasnt been washed off its stains and a broken headlight so that the light shines only on one path... the Fucking Present!!!

Present... Wat the FUCk is it... well at this point most of you would be thinking of the frustration within me... the acute desperation to get some thoughts out of my fucking system... but hey... at this point I'm quite content... ALMOST at peace... any enthusiasm subdued under our societal blocks... such as sit at a desk for 9 bloody hours and wonder why...

WHY??? yeah thats the big question... is it for the MONEY??? Hell yeah... is it for the social vindication of your freaking mind and restless soul... yeah kinda... is it fucking because there's nothing better to do??? Fuck!!! thats the one that kills me...

NOTHING BETTER TO DO??? well lets see... left to myself I would be sleeping late... waking up late... playing some sport... eat well... go out with friends... roam around with the love of my life... sleep late... n yeah... the cycle continues... BUT WOULD I BE HAPPY??? I DONT FUCKING KNOW!!!

Ability to THINK!!! yup.. thinking turns me on... and ARGUMENTS!!! YES thats the one... For once, and many other times,,, I love being a BONG... Arguements are the key to solving all the worlds darkness... Bring LIGHT to the dim dark world... Yeah thats my opinion... I might very well be the one in the dark..but who cares... its MY WORLD rite??? 'Its the world created in my bloody head' (read that with the Jason Statham Irish oh so obvious accent)... And once I'm gone and my fucking head is gone... the world is gone too... 'yeah sorry you cannot exist too'... (same accent)!!!

Well here we are... mind slightly less irritated... ranting is such a release... I dunno why but the thought of people reading it, and either associating with or dissociating with it are both great to imagine... For the ones associating "Nothing can be done mate, for we live in shit", for the ones dissociating "I dont care a fuck" and ofcourse, the most obvious group the ones who dont understand or dont care "you are the WORLD!!!"

Monsoons of Calcutta...

2009-07-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

Jokhon nirobe dure, darao eshe

Jekhane path benkeche…

Tomay chhute chaowar muhurtora

Ke jaane ki abeshe disha haara

Ke jaane ki abeshe disha haara…

The most cherished of my memories lie in the monsoons of Calcutta…

It was the 2 monsoons of Presidency that changed my life… forever…

This post is a symbol for all who feel a part of their lives shall always remain frozen in the fabric of space and time and without which life feels a touch incomplete… and there is a need to visit that part every now and then to make us almost whole again… the innocence of want, the naivety of hope and the imagination of youth…

And the music that takes us back there…

The song above makes me want to connect with ‘me’ again all those years back… makes me want to touch that fabric again… find peace in that which is behind the curtain of all these years…

Monsoons of Calcutta… the intoxicating smell of rain against the half-baked brick and mortar of old houses… that have stories of so many monsoons to tell… the lazy expectation of youth unabated by the dullness of the rainy day… the birth of innumerable romantics with the incidence of the first drop on a cloudy day…

It all began with my first introduction to ‘that feeling’... the ability of human imagination to render a person completely useless… the lazy evenings… listening to bangla music on those FM channels… songs from the heart for the heart… soft and delicate music interspersed with loud and thumping music all towards the same cause… against the pleasant damp environment with the pitter patter of the drops on the soft rustling leaves… bringing such pleasure and pain all at once…

Those were the lost days… ‘Reality’ didn’t matter… a lazy beautiful dark desire-filled world… and the subconscious unrelenting imagination creating an emotion ridden lonely lovely world… painted with shades of grey with the sparks of orange…

In between the evenings often lay glorious times spent with the crowd… singing… listening… taking elaborate walks round the dimly lit campus… thinking…

Thinking… life suddenly opened out in front of my eyes… it was beautiful… the sudden expansion of the horizon… the natural high of the ‘suddenly’ conscious… the ability to see from back to beyond…

I was a changed man… I was finally ‘me’…

By the time the second monsoon could arrive, life was moving… Having found the ability to see clearly meant the hurt was a billion times worse… but all that was now past… life had moved on… I had moved on… there materialized new found interest, beauty and above all Hope…

Empowered with the wisdom of the previous monsoon, I was sure… sure of going for broke… nothing else mattered anyway… Of course this time the monsoon was also accompanied by Floyd… the dark room now had a second master… Rising and falling emotions to the undulating notes, ‘comfortably numb’, sure as hell, made me ‘feel’ everything that was there to be sensed…

Along with that came numerous exchanges… sitting by the terrace… the dark sky only lit up by the excited flashes of lightning, and the sound of torrential rainfall lost in a voice… the voice that could be sweeter than the mood and more musical than the music…

As evening became night, and night became day, I realized ‘us’…

So that’s the story of the 2 monsoons of my life… One that helped find ‘me’, and the other that helped to found ‘us’…

Sitting here looking into the Mumbai night… almost as damp… I am missing the enticing intoxicating smell, missing my ‘home’, my terrace and cherishing the Calcutta Monsoon… and life…

Raat Hamari to...

2009-06-30T12:40:00.000-07:00

Ratiya… Khari Khari

Ratiya… Andhiyari

Raat Hamari to chand ki saheli he

Kitne dino ke baad…

Listening to this song brought back so many fresh memories of a distant past… cycling around the dark woods of IIT-K trying to figure out my place… thinking of the one person with a stone in my heart… Bliss

The hurt made me feel alive… the darkness gave me freedom… I was finally one with my surroundings…

Cycling back from the M-Club at 3 am after an extended musical intercourse… pleasure… music in my heart… in my soul… often cycling with my eyes closed and hands behind my back testing my limits… it didn’t matter… I was living in the present…

Thinking about possibilities… thinking about responsibility… the adrenalin rush from thinking about possibilities… the hurt from being constrained… the pleasure of remembering her face… clarity in confusion…

Being selfish… being me… me and the woods… down the winding road… realizing solitude… finding solace in the deep dark woods… riding a little further than the light could carry… Being an Egoist… Being an Individual… the only time when one does not need patronizing… freedom in solitude…

A natural high… speeding down the road… turning blind… the adrenalin rush… the urge to stay out longer… the urge to be free… not to be tied down by those 4 walls built as a barrier against freedom…

The suicides… ability to contort reality in a way that makes even life lose its value… the torture… the insecurity… the fear… the inability to achieve value in one’s own eyes…

The realization… the happiness… the feeling of being alive… the rush… the breaking of the trance… the pleasure of knowing… the Ego…

Guilt… the weight… the failure… the thought of betrayal… the face…

The comfort… the tears… the tears brushing against the wound… the music… being alive

The end of the journey… Losing myself once more to the world… But the knowledge of being alive…

Shallow-Headed Nostalgia

2009-05-08T23:51:00.000-07:00

Jakhon porbe na mor payer chinnho ei baate

Aami baibo na, mor kheya tori ei ghaate…

Chukiye debo becha kena, mitiye debo go,

Mitiye debo lena dena, bondho hobe aana gona ei haate…

Tokhon aamay nai bam one rakhle

Tarar pane cheye cheye, nai ba aamay dakle…

Listening to ‘Sakhi Bhabana kahare Bole’ and ‘jakhon porbe na mor payer chinnho’ on youtube, on a lazy Saturday, has brought upon what was termed ‘shallow-headed nostalgia’ by a favourite senior from College many years ago…

Amidst the complete lack of meaning in our haphazard ‘khichudi’ (mixture) of our day-to-day life, it is often so comforting to find solace in what has been… when you start counting all the memories of your life, ‘life’ seems so beautiful and fulfilling…

This post is about a few people and a few memories, which have touched my life, but I am no longer in touch with… They are just reduced to images in the abyss of my mind… Sometimes, it feels, that people who are only etched in your memory remain as they were, untainted by the present… the relationship you had with them remains as a beautiful memory, and are not blemished by day-to-day mundane experiences…

First, I shall go back to my singing school. In the fall, of 1992, my mother conspired with my grandfather to ‘deposit’ me in Gitabitan, a vocal training school concerned solely with the works of Rabindranath Tagore, after a snide comment towards a Bollywood movie that had escaped my mouth that confirmed their long-term suspicions of me going astray… I was all of 8 years old !?!

What it meant was, me missing the entire Disney hour, which came on TV on Sunday mornings, including my favourite ‘potli-baba’… Well, like most other under-privileged children, I did not have any say in the matter… ‘Rekha’ from Bollywood, had screwed my life…

I, of course often have a quite laugh, when I remember, that in 2001, 2 days before my Std. XI examinations, I had departed on extra singing lessons for the final degree examination, much to my mother’s disgust. Yes, indeed 10 years had passed since that first day, and close to 500 episodes of Disney hour, had been missed, but what I took back from there changed my life…

When I first went to Gitabitan at the age of 8, I was not pleased. Having spent almost 4 years in a quite-privileged-spic-n-span English speaking school, this dull, old building, with people, from diverse and not-so-privileged socio-economic backgrounds, greeted me with a feeling that I didn’t belong there. It however, passed soon after… Me being the youngest in the class, and immensely talkative, had brought upon sisterly affection from most of a class that was skewed in the favour of girls in a ratio of 80-20…

Thus, with this set of doting sisters, I realized about openness, acceptance and friendship… One of these people, and I mean only 1 had started with me in ’93 and had continued till 2001. She happened to be my closest friend then… She had a remarkable voice, and had topped 8 out of 9 singing exams… I had spoken to her once since, then, and I just learnt by way of internet, that she’s married and in New Jersey…

I was in school, and took to the violin. A year after I had joined in 1992, this frail old meek kinda guy from another section, who weighed slightly less than a single leg-of-mine, joined… Much to our disgust, this guy also topped academics, from the other section, and was prodigious with the violin… 9 years later, he had successfully become the youngest graduate from Royal School of Music, London. He, however gave up his music and decided to follow medicine. Amongst the closest of my friends, and remarkably sensitive and wise, he has vanished from the radar… Hopefully, we will get a chance to catch up some day…

Next, I shall write about a person, I am in touch with but cant share the same relation any more. This sardar guy was my neighbor. He was 6 years younger to me, and treated me like his guru. I still remember, my mother’s horrific glance, when this puny little sardar (age-7 then), was carrying my 2 kilo backpack up a flight of 3 stairs, a week after his appendix operation… I shifted house, and although now we do talk, he has grown up and some things never stay the same…

And as such, there will always be so many numerous people who touch our lives, make us feel special and disappear… I guess that’s the beauty of life… Amongst the numerous different lives, that we live everyday, there are always these people… who we will remember someday, and maybe, meet again…

The song above is a delicate exposition of how we are survived by the memories we induce in others…

TOM YUM YUM

2009-04-01T09:11:00.000-07:00

Tom Yum Soup

Multani Seekh, Mushroom crispy fried, Prawn Golden Fried, Paneer Tikka

Fried Rice, Schezwan Fish, Sweet n Sour Chicken

Well, if you are wondering the reason for this heart-warming stomach moaning exercise, let me tell you, this WAS my First Day At Work!!! Yes I do believe in miracles J

Oh I forgot… Papri Chat for Evening Snacks, and unlimited cups of whichever beverage you prefer!!!

My day at work was happening… I now know why the top brass in the company are all BONGS :D

The Day of Course began with the Mundane HR… Obviously late, and packed with a pile of really sad begone trees that once were, that had all sorts of Lawful n Unlawful jargon that reminded me of the Great Black ‘Gania’… One of the erstwhile tree actually had ‘Non-Compete’ Printed on it…

But was I ever wrong about ‘morning shows the day’ idiom… never understood them anyway…

Next came my boss… er bosses, bosses-ess… I actually lost track… I was dutifully handed over a Intelligence Dossier that came from the other people working in the ‘let no tree live’ campaign… It was as if some FAFF Consult had actually managed to explain GOD’s 10 Commandments of ‘Why Indian Roads are Indian Roads’… My department... ‘Roads’… This divine prank was played with my sense of direction in mind I presume…

THEN CAME LUNCH…

My Boss’ promotion that was announced today, due to the sheer luck that I brought with me… hence the Menu Card as above…

REST…

Finally, I was ushered into a corner, and explained what we do… that is fell some more trees, ‘money also needs to be printed doesn’t it’…

So after all the ‘Anti-Green’ Discussion we called it a day… and I came home happily J

p.s. I also found only 1 guy fitting the PSU Image ;) … though the work hours are 10 – 5:30 J

Also the company pays for 3/4^th of the Canteen Bill… and 1000 buck mobile bill…

I loved my first day at work…

“Happiness only Real when Shared…”

2008-11-18T20:40:00.000-08:00

The last truth uncovered by Chris/ Alexander Super-tramp on his ultimate tryst with life… the Great Alaskan Adventure.

‘Into the Wild’ is a movie that would appeal to most Romantics. A world without attachments is a free world. It leads us to the final and only question “Is peace of mind, happiness???” Is a complete carefree existence with no strings attached the key to happiness???

I know all of us would readily answer in the negative to the above question, however if we delve slightly deeper into the issue the answer starts seeming more and more non-trivial and often indeed impossible to justify.

Imagine a world… a world without sadness, a world without responsibilities, a world without pain, without insecurities, without careers, a world that has music, one that has knowledge, one without TV and other connections to the real world… a world that just is your mind and the knowledge of the ‘greats’ to guide it… a world without ‘time’ … A truly ‘timeless’ existence…

Often seems the perfect existence doesn’t it??? Do we ever wonder how the units of time have evolved over the centuries… Even in the comparable 20^th century it would take a month to travel across the globe, now only a half a day… a letter took 7 days at the minimum, now there is e-mail… a trunk call needed to be booked a day in advance, now a rickshaw puller has a mobile… Knowledge lay in books which was required to be found, now only a click… The units of measurable time by events are getting smaller and smaller… Expectations increase… does it not worry you if you cannot get through to the ones you love through cell phone??? What is the time frame before you start getting scared… about accidents, about bombs about all the evils your mind can feed you… Have you never wanted to throw away your cell phone and just shut yourself in a room devoid of google talk, devoid of email, just for yourself…

Do we ever see ourselves as we are… for the ‘I’ that is us… Devoid of the ‘strings’ that are holding up the ‘I’ from all sides lest it fall like a circus tent… Will the ‘I’ ever be strong enough to stand on its own??? Can we ever really know???

Do we ever get to the ‘Self-Actualization’ after satisfying all our other lower needs… Honestly almost all other needs have been degraded to ‘Physiological’ needs by the fast pace of our lives, and yet we have no time for anything else… Can we even allocate 15 mins to ourselves… and ‘I’ mean ‘ourselves’ in a day without wondering about the ‘strings’ in our lives…

Can we ever be free is the next question??? That’s the only question the movie really tries to answer… The truth ‘Yes’ and ‘No’… You can be free if you want, till you realize everything about the ‘strings’ was more beautiful that this ‘freedom’… yes you learnt the truths of life that you would never have learnt otherwise, but only to lead you to a greater attachment… that of the realization that having attachments and strings are the only way to be happy…

What makes us happy??? “that one face in the dark”, that one piece of soundtrack that makes you remember her, the fact that your grandfather recovered from a serious disease, that your father got promoted, that your mother was praised for her remarkable cooking, that your sister found the right guy, that your friends waited for you, that there are people who care, there are strong strings to hold you up like that circus tent…

This is life… Before taking these attachments for granted we should once go through a ‘free’ phase with just the ‘I’ before it leads us to the inevitable truth, “HAPPINESS IS ONLY REAL WHEN SHARED”…

DRON (A).. GROAN!!!

2008-10-03T22:16:00.000-07:00

Well the first review of a film on my blog… hold on to your seats…

The film is about an ‘asur’/demon searching for his elixir of immortality. Trust me if you walk into the movie and actually walk out you can consider yourself not far from being immortal… and that’s the biggest...rather only takeaway from the 2 hr and 45 minute saga of misplaced creativity and plagiarism that ever appeared on the big screen.

Well the movies that I was reminded of while watching Drona is?

1) Harry Potter

2) Lord of the Rings

3) Indiana Jones and the last crusade

4) Da Vinci Code

5) Ajooba

6) Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

7) The Mummy

8) All of the above.

Well the answer most definitely is option 8. Believe me this movie would make a killing in the villages and all those places yet to witness Hollywood, cuz the special effects were quite near awesome (copies) of things we have already seen… But at Rs 330 a ticket I am sure all who graced the hall (not many) have already seen these a gazzilion times before.

Let me try and do a budget analysis of the movie. Well lets see… Let me try and imagine what must have run through Goldie Behl’s mind while imagining the movie. Well of course one thing that is common to all the movies mentioned above is the Special Effects. So obviously I put aside 99% of all the funds that I have in cheap thrills. The next 1% I distribute as follows: 0.5% to hire only 4 actors. The rest were either English beggars or the unemployed I-Bank expressionless (not much different from beggars today) picked up from the English roadside. 0.3% in Costumes. 0.2% in creating the most awful musical score in the history of demon kind… and hey wait with my daddy’s given pocket money let me hire a script writer and story teller.

So you know what I saw… some very colourful trash.

Let me now try and relive all the brilliance all that was so non-subtly copied in the film.

Harry Potter: He lived in the closet under the stairs… obviously Drona has to live in the loft. Harry was an orphan … shit Drona thought he was an orphan till he met his mother at the ripe age of 29. Harry wasn’t loved… how could Drona possibly be??? The truth is it is one thing to imagine a 11 year old harry learning about his powers and another thing to see a bearded abhishek bachan (male 29) playing around with his new found strength. Hey wait there is but one last copy… Harry was always protected by squibs and neighbours… Well here we had the English beggar club.

Lord of the Rings: Well the sword-wielding dead kings on horses were there obviously. The hood and non-visible black face were copied to perfection.

Indi Jones: Take the name of the Lord and step forward was what Indi had to do in the last crusade. The leap of faith. Well Drona had to have faith didn’t he???

Da-Vinci Code: The treasure hunt but obviously. And also the secret society of beggars and their horrifying dance rituals.

Ajooba: abhishek.” Hey dad played a superhero. I wanna I wanna… boo hoo…. Fund this movie… sob” and also the sword stuck in the stone.

Chitty Chitty bang bang: Now here’s a difficult connection. Although no direct copies… the colourful structures and creation of fantasy in the middle of nowhere and also the puppets belonging to the Devil.

The Mummy: Well can we forget the face in the sand. If producers of Mummy had a copyright for that they would have made more money by now than from the film. Hey don’t forget the bracelet worn by the little kid. And obviously in India our kids are always atleast 25 year olds.

Now you would be thinking. WOW!!! The money of one ticket and memories of 7 of the most favourite few movies… Yeah well if you look at it that way. Trust me in moviemaking the sum of the whole is almost always way less than the sum of its parts.

Certain puzzling things:

1) Why did Abhishek Bachan have to wear a skull cap and warm jacket even after reaching his homeland in the desert at 45 degree C.

2) Also did they think he was looking cool wearing that in a Fort that reminds us of our glorious past?

3) Why did they have to shoot half the movie in England? Were the beggar actors cheaper there?

4) Why in the 21^st century did they have to speak Hindi in a manner that takes 3 minutes for them to utter and 10 for the audience to understand. Am dead sure the audience below 12 did not understand a word of the Urdu cum polished Hindi.

5) Why was the movie so long and the pace so slow. If it was half its length atleast the audience would have been able to resist the slow poisoning.

6) Why did everyone have to add a ‘saa’ to the end of Royalty’s names? Eg: Adi-saa. Maharani-saa. Su-saa-id.

7) Finally who the hell names people the way these people did. Their names were from the 18^th century. Gap clothes from the 21^st. Hindi from the prehistoric and the entire experience… completely pathetic.

Lastly : India has grown up and enforced the Smoking Ban. Now the censor board must realize and enable the Musical Ban. The worst music you can hear at the worst places you would expect… seems to be the motto of the music directors and film directors alike. Maybe they should try a model wherein they play it all at the beginning or all at the end. That way atleast we need not feel like su-saa-id every minute of reel-time.

For me the only saving grace was the cartoon sketches of the mythical past. We should hire the cartoonist and make India’s first good animation movie.

Broodings of a Different kind...

2008-09-16T23:42:00.000-07:00

STATUTORY WARNING: The following lines might be harmful for the soft hearted...

Of the irresistible urge to write… just to express… couldn’t take the brooding inside… that’s the feeling I am getting after having watched the first 29 minutes of ‘Rock on’…

The aspiration, the desire, the inner passion and finally all gone to Waste… the story of most of our lives… the fleeting feeling to just break free… to chase all that seems impossible… and nothing to worry… the imagination of youth and the gradual unbearable silence of age…

We can say it’s just the economy… The GDP is proportionately linked to the expression of inner imagination… no worries to be able to maintain a creative life without starving… no need to put away all that might have mattered in the name of success… the story of all those 100 thousands of strangers created out of their own isolation of themselves… The question is why???

To counter the GDP blame all most can say in their utter monotony as if quoting a textbook is, “ you need the passion the frustration the fear of starvation to achieve”… too hoots to this ridiculous excuse… just a cowardly way of saying I couldn’t dare…

Why then why??? I guess its society… the enormous ability to chain all that could ever be free… to poison all aesthetic beauty in the name of success… to get back to that desk feeling why if there’s one life, must it be wasted with such a tremendous urge to protect all sense of guilt… to bury all trace of guilt from one’s system… guilt of never having the courage to hold one’s head up high…

Why then such embarrassing contradictions… to punish all who might have held their head high… and praise that insolence of building an ever more tailored society that will slowly pass into oblivion like all before us…

It always ends with the bitterness that is generated at the end of every Ayn Rand’s novel… the impossible urge to break the shackles, the overpowering strength of the lame societal living… the final subduing of all that was original, all that was free and independent and then the guilt…

I am an escapist… even now I am incapable of blaming myself for who I am… I do not know who I would have been… I do not know why I am like I am… I would rather blame the damn GDP for the woes of our creatives…

To all who can associate with this ridiculous expression of inner guilt… we are mostly at peace… but for the remaining few moments, just remember and dream… and pass on that dream to others and support them who have the courage and who feel the pain of guilt much more than the pleasure of hollow praise…

jibon maraner seemana charaye...

2008-08-14T11:55:00.000-07:00

Jibon maraner seemana charaye
Bondhu he aamar, royecho daraye…
E mor hridoyer bijon aakashe
Tomar mohashon alote Dhaka se,
Gobhiro ki aashay nibiro pulake
Taharo pane chay dubahu baraye…

Nirob nishi tobo
Charan nichaye,
Aadharo keshobhar
Diyechhe bichaye…

Aaji e kon gaan nikhil plabiya
Tomar bina hote aashilo namiya
Bhubano mie jay surero ranane,
Gaanero bedinay jay je haraye…

The last post made in my blog made me realize how enriching an experience it is to actually travel back through time and reflect on life…

As I had already mentioned, the lives of many a man in Bengal have flown through the years just by holding on to the little finger of the man called Rabindranath Tagore… The image in my mind of the wondrous bearded old man has always been like that of a grandfather… Someone who even if shy of all his wisdom and intellectualism, is a man with incomparable compassion towards society, towards human life and in a selfish kind of way, towards me… and I can retreat to him at any time I want, to share my joys, sorrows or even my realizations by uttering a few words… a few very deep yet beautiful words, poems about the unending joys of human emotion…

I say ‘joys’ of human emotion… But often you will find in his work as well as in our lives, happiness is a fleeting emotion… I mean how many of us have felt atleast once in our lives that happiness is overstated… I mean what exactly is it to feel really happy… If you know what I mean, fleeting instances of irrational exuberance are almost immediately followed by moments of tremendous gloom…

Here we strike upon the truth… maybe dark truth for some or simply truth for the rest of us… sadness is an emotion than can be felt… the dark mysterious moments of enormous solitude, of unenduring pain… yes we can all feel it cant we??? Often it makes one sad to feel unhappy, however I have often realized that in those intense spells of infinite gloom, one realizes oneself… It makes one feel alive… alive and happy to be able to feel such strong emotion, happy at the thought that there exists something so infinitely marvelous that it can make one feel so bad… I mean often our realizations of passion come from the unfulfilled want and yearning for it… It drives you mad… Someday when you look back at it, am sure you would consider it fortunate that amongst the vast spells of indifference towards society, life and even yourself, there are these spurts of exceptional darkness and depth of feeling where you feel life… what you want and where you realize who you are…

So, as I was saying the lives of many a Bengali passes holding on to the support called Tagore… The last time I posted on my blog I realized that there are a few striking memories associated with some of my most favourite songs… some of the intense spells of bitter realizations, yet gratifying to be able to see… The hallmark of a good poem is is subjectivity and easy adaptability into the life of the reader… Somehow everytime I have associated my feelings with a song of his, I have hit upon a meaning… a new meaning… but a meaning that cannot be but the truth in the context of my life…

So let me tell you a few memories associated with this song…

Even now, as always, listening to the song sung by Debabrata Biswas, in the sombre melancholy of his voice I always think of death…

The first time I was posed with the thought of dying, I was horrified… I mean, all of us in some level of our layered consciousness severely repel the thought of dying… Some of us say, “I will not be aware when I am gone,”…. Yet others say, “ As long as I do not see a near one die” and yet others cling on so hard to the thought of reincarnation and supernatural power, that they reject even a conversation about death…

I am one of the underprivileged… My hopes in all these has suffered indignity at the hands of my logic… The first time I tried to think rationally was when I was on my terrace while watching a lifeless body… It hit me… It took me 4 years to come to any terms with it, and even the logic of life and the beauty it brings is not always strong enough to withstand the enormous pain of imagining a lack of consciousness…

I had sung the song then… I do not know towards whom…

The next incident was when I was asked to sing the song for a friend… this lady was 65 years old and a relative… yet she was my friend and often I have exchanged many a happy banter with her… This was towards her on her memorial service… My grandmom had often chided me with the lack of feeling in my voice… Though on that day I believe it was different… I had sung the song for a friend… I knew in a certain way what I meant…

Moving on to a few pleasant thoughts for the starved few out there… Presidency College, Kolkata had a very intellectual, pseudo-intellectual atmosphere… people could talk about anything… From Karl Marx, to Leibnitz to Newton to girls puffing on cigarettes and exchanging intellectually stimulating adult tapes…

Well all of us had our traits… mine was singing to an audience of friends, who though loved Tagore from the whole of their hearts obviously had nothing better to do at that specific instance of time…

Well it was an evening in college when ‘Milieu’ our cultural, and neo-cultural fest was being hosted… I had desperately wanted to impress a girl with my intellectual abilities by singing something deep… Yes, I had chosen the very song… It was quite unfortunate when after opening my eyes, I found to my heartache that only a few of my guy friends had remained, while the rest including her had vanished without trace…

It was much later though that I had sung the song for her… when I could actually relate towards her, and what I was singing… I guess there are very few people in life who know me, the way I would like to be known… I am indeed fortunate to have one such person… It often takes people their lifetimes in search of that someone… I know that through time we will continue…

And yes I have often sung the song for my grandmother… after she was gone… I don’t know whether I was really close to her then… However I know that I am much closer to her now, with the qualities I gained from her then… And yes her ‘gitabitan’ (book of songs) belongs to me, now…

With these experiences I have wanted to establish one thing… It is often not about the memories… If you think about it enough you will begin to realize that everything is ultimately in your head… Along with these memories, we grow… the framework changes and we begin to look at life in a new way...

Often the song is meant as a song towards ‘God’… Although an agnostic I too have a God… It is not wrong to hold on to something for peace… However I often feel that the finding ourselves and getting closer to our passions, our identities is the real true friend… The fact that we can consciously see and perceive and understand and realize… That is about being alive… being human…

To end I will follow up with my translation of the song without which the blog does not have a meaning…

Jibon maraner…

Across the boundaries of life and death, my friend
you are waiting…
In the solitary confinement of my limitless heart,
Your throne is covered in light
With endless hope and deep joy
I stand staring with outstretched hands…

The dense dark night
With her outstretched feet
Has brought upon the darkness
Like flowing ebony hair…

What is this song flooding all eternity
Flowing down from your melodious instrument?
Making heaven and earth meet in a war of music,
But getting lost in the ensuing melancholy sadness…

doore kothay doore doore...

2008-08-10T11:44:00.000-07:00

doore kothay doore doore
aamar mon beraye go, ghure ghure...

je baanshite batash kaande,
shei bashitir shure shure...

je poth shokol desh paraye,
udash hoye jay haraye...
she poth beye kangaal poran,
jete chay, kon ochin pure...

dure kothay, doore doore...

Even after almost 4 years i cannot stop myself feeling miserably nostalgic when i hear this song... True to its title the song takes me back through the depths of time, into the darkness of the ever so walked alleys, both of my mind and Presidency College...

i have been exposed to various forms of music... However the closest to my heart shall always be the great composer Tagore... i have often spoken to the large potrait of his in my house... for he is the only one who understood me... or rather understood the facets of human emotion better than anyone else... everyone writes, but to be able to evoke and describe human emotions through mere words is the work of a master...

Although i have been exposed to his compositions from birth, due to the culturally rich environment of my home, i only truly started appreciating the real worth of his songs during college...

humans are programmed not to think, biologically... indeed it takes a great deal of effort to search for reasons for everything around us... thus my thought process also started quite late... but the enormity of Tagore's work was immediately established...

human emotions are complex mechanisms... whether the work of simple chemicals or a greater being, the 'soul', will always be debated... it is thus quite incredible how i have found a song composed by him for every mood i have ever been in...

Unfortunately this part of me is not explored so often anymore... i still remember sitting with a harmonium every morning learning more... learning not just his songs but more about nature, life and even myself...

i have profound memories attached with his music... my earliest memories go back to me running around the house and my dad singing in front of the harmonium after office... later my memories take me to being taught by my mother... mugging up songs like some school quiz...mugging the patterns of rising and falling notes and learning the way the language flowed without really understanding any of it... later it takes me to my grandmother... her voice held a passion that truly cannot be described... the songs used to come alive with her steady strong voice... people would often choke with emotion when they heard her sing... then comes my singing school and all the people i met.. people from diverse backgrounds who touched my life in ever so beautiful a way... then comes the innumerable duets sung by me and my sister to the audience of my grandparents, functions in my house... appreciation and criticism...

however finally came love ... love for an individual and his compositions... all through singing school i had realized nothing... however one such incident changed me for ever... during that unreciprocated love i learnt... i thought and i understood... for the first time his music set me free... my thoughts needed to no other medium of expression than his songs... the path was already there... he knew and he made it easier for so many of us to express our deepest thoughts and desires, our unbearable sadness and disappointment, our brightest moments and pleasures... He was always there... by my side... by our sides...

next came singing on the phone for the one person who mattered... honestly had Tagore not been there, i would not have been the person i am, now...

i still hold on to the 'gitabitan' (collection of his songs) which belonged to my grandmother... it was a gift from me and my sister towards her... now she is no more... however her feelings and mine are intricately related through the one book i still have...

to end this highly emotional blog, let me translate the song for all those who have not had the opportunity to know it, love it... believe me i am getting choked with emotion while listening to the song and going back into the dark through the aeons of time...

doore kothay doore doore
aamar mon beraye go, ghure ghure...

je baanshite batash kaande,
shei bashitir shure shure...

je poth shokol desh paraye,
udash hoye jay haraye...
she poth beye kangaal poran,
jete chay, kon ochin pure...

dure kothay, doore doore...

Far somewhere,
my mind wanders,

to the tune of the flute
that brings sadness to the wind...

the path that runs through all near and beyond,
and gets lost in the darkness of gloom,

seduces my hollow soul to travel
through to some unknown mysterious land...

far somwhere,
my mind wanders...

Celebration of life...

2008-08-05T00:50:00.001-07:00

Non!
Rien de rien...
Non!
Je ne regrette rien
Ni le bien
Qu’on m’a fait,
Ni le mal,
Tout ça m’est bien égal!
Non!
Rien de rien...
Non!

These are the lines to one of the most beautiful and popular songs around the world, sung by a singer for whom the song could not have been more apt. Born in a brothel, mother a prostitute, addicted to morphine and died at the age of 47 of liver cancer…

It fills all of us with a sense of wonder at the lives these people have led… Which is why I have titled the article, a celebration of life…

Life truly is a great big celebration, and some people just get the party alive… It would require strength beyond the ordinary for a person to feel happy under the circumstances that is most often their life… However these people go way beyond… They also make our lives so much more fulfilling…

Ever think of it??? A Swiss Patent clerk, having failed most of his high school math imagining something as extraordinary and beautiful as Special Theory of Relativity… Out of obscurity these people rise… Until their worth is suddenly realized… and when it is we celebrate our lives through their creations…

The line between art and science often become obscured at critical thresholds… When Feynman came up with his diagrams it was aesthetically more closer to a work of art than just science…

So what does it take for these people to come alive… and help us along the way to celebrate life with them??? Can most of us even begin to imagine what these people go through everyday till the time when the world hails them and often causes them to shrink back into their shells… While people around most of the world are escapists, these people have a passion from which they possibly cannot escape… To them life is focused at one point… Their dreams are stronger than reality and everyday mundane reality bites them hollow… But do they give up… Of that we can never tell… We only worry about them that have been hailed by the media, guaranteed by society… Do we really look around us??? Or even within???

To quote a few more… Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Gia Carangi… All their lives have been restricted to ages of 30 and about… Could they not take society any longer??? Of being misunderstood at every step in their lives? The normal boring people with mundane work can only dance to music for an hour, attend a concert, see a few movies but can surely never understand the level of commitment and passion… We can criticize, challenge and even celebrate their interests, but how long can they take the dull society as the only ones to provide them with the bare necessity… of being recognized for what they are… Are they truly ever recognized…

Like the proverbial Howard Roark in Fountainhead, they have only the mirror to understand them, and does that ever work truly???

The song of course comes at the end of the movie ‘dreamers’… no title could have been more apt… Of course a striking similarity to ‘hazaaron khwahishein aisi’ was evident… Both masterpieces… Both talking about the pseudo-intellectual society… the passionless selfish, 2 minute fame wannabes…

The real ones are always hidden… in the crowd of the common… Once they rise though the celebration of life begins… And once it begins it is not possible for any force, to ever stop…

Song (translated)

No, nothing at all
I do not regret anything at all
Either the good that has been done to me
or the evil
everything is equal to me
no, nothing at all, no...
everything is paid, swept away, forgotten
I don't care about the past!
With my memories I lit the fire
My pains, my pleasures,
I don't need them anymore
My love stories are swept away
with their troubles…
swept away for ever
I'm starting on new bases
no, nothing at all...
Because my life, my happiness, today everything begins with you!"

Shallow Headed Nostalgia... & XIMB

2008-08-05T00:46:00.000-07:00

Of all human mind exercises, to be nostalgic evokes some of the most mixed responses… every time it evokes a new feeling in a new setting… maybe the same thoughts at different instances makes one feel happy, sad, desperation and often brings about an appreciation of beauty… it makes one often reflect about life…

Right now its raining, the beautiful sight outside my window , looking out into the open green, the hazy picture being painted by tiny droplets of water, coupled with an Anjan Dutta song, today has brought about in me a sense of long lost romanticism…

One of the unfortunate aspects that seem to come across in most B-Schools is the lack of time that one has for oneself… Come to think of it, what kind of people is the normal B-School creating??? A person who can work for 18 hours a day for a week, 2 weeks and maybe in the ‘best’ B-Schools maybe a month??? But is that what we really want want???

Coming from Presidency, grilled through IITK, I finally seem to have found some peace here in XIMB… Amongst the innumerable hours of projects, assignments, quizzes, somehow this place has something above all… It has ‘Real’ people… People to whom life matters, the emotions count, and who on any day are not afraid to remove their masks and let the world see them as they see themselves in the mirror… Thus as I can proudly say that after an year at XIMB I know what the vision of the institute to create a manager with society in mind really means… Is it really important to work against your wishes for years on end without thinking about oneself… Being a rationalist I strongly believe that one life is all man has … One really exciting, beautiful life… Must we really sacrifice our self to mint money and then realize one day that there is no way in which it can be spent to bring happiness…

Going back to 10th standard Shakespeare, Nerissa explains to Portia in Merchant of Venice , how the happiest people have just enough… It is unbelievable how ones memory holds on to a few learning… she says “Superfluity comes sooner to those that have not and them that have too much”… Society would have truly been a lot better had everyone been satisfied with just enough…

We still have time… time to reflect, time to change…

I have been through many experiences, Presidency opened my eyes, IITK shook my self-belief yet strengthened my confidence… However XIMB has always seemed just right… It allows one and all to sharpen their personalities, strengthen their character, does not necessarily try to change any of that… What we learn is to ‘live’ life, and let others around us too… While most people just ‘lead’ their lives, I must say this is what contentment and happiness is derived from… To be at peace with one’s self and one’s surroundings…

Those of you, and I am sure there will be many, thinking about the apparent hypocrisy in my statements, I can safely say that enjoying life, without causing harm to the environment, is what makes us human… When all lower life forms are searching for resources to keep them alive, we can take a quite afternoon off and reflect on life, on society and the universe… Believe me as Feynman said life can never be futile simply because of the beauty it allows you to see…

Coming from the land of Tagore, and most lazy and brilliant romanticists I must refer a song ‘sokhi bhabona kahare bole’ an eternal song about love… love not tainted by being towards just an individual but love for all that one sees… In other words freedom of choice or free will is ‘God’s’ greatest gift to mankind… All the great poet ever asks for is some time to be happy… happy to just be… happy to realize what it means to be alive…

In the times of bomb blasts and acts of terrorism everywhere, I must say if the people with power and resources would just help to channelise what they have into the good of mankind, tomorrow will be a better world to live in… There is always enough to feed all… Before we decay as all civilizations have before us, we must consciously choose our path to freedom…

Signing off with Anjan Datta… “Shunte ki Chao tumi shei odbhut besuro sur, phire pete chao shei aanchan kora dupur???” or, “ Do you want to hear that weird piece of untamed music, get back that mysterious extraordinary afternoon”…

NOW & THEN...

2008-06-13T07:46:00.000-07:00

Well let me wirte a bit about the naming of the URL... its a combination of two of the names I have used in my CS Profile... When I first started CS it was a treat... Having 30 guys on the same map the eve of the dreaded exams is a treat that cannot be forgotten...

One of the great things about self learning is that it is usually unpredictable... sure it might not be as technically correct but it sure brings the element of surprise... When I first started playing TT I had a friend as a coach... after 32 straight defeats I got my first victory... He stopped playing shortly afterwards... But after 5 years later it sure is great to realize that everythime I play a backhand the opponent is guessing... cuz the technically correct opponent has no idea of how under the most unbelievable of circumstances the ball comes flying back from impossible positions... Well its something like Physics, or for that matter something like all of our worlds...

I am amongst those who feel the world is different for all of us... A 5000 Angstrom of wavelenght but causing a sensory perception of green is extraordinary... So I believe that our understanding of the world the environment and our concepts are entirely ours... When a teacher teaches, he states facts about the world from his own perception... However exactly what it is in the mind of the student depends in the imagination of the student himself...

Its like the books that have been made into movies... The Harry Potter novel was something in our imagination, but to see the magic on the screen was something entirely different... Da Vinci Code similarly failed all expectations as it was not the way we had imagined it to be...

It raises the difficult question... The matrix scenario... Do we all see things around us in the same way... I know I call a certain colour green and the others do it too by association, but seriously is there any way to know whether you see a fainter green than I do or maybe see my 'red' instead...

Really troubling I must say... However its this strong belief in the general unification in which we all believe... We would rather like to hope that people see the same things as ourselves, just as the Physicists hope that the Grand Unified Theory will encompass all that has been ever discovered...

I guess religion is also intended for the same puropose... It simply provides a tool for all of us to see each other as friends rather than strangers... These days though it has become a tool for political violence...

Coming to the life and death yet again, it is seriously difficult to comprehend that there is no consciousness after death.. The pattern of the atoms in harmony that we know of life is broken... All the atoms are then left to fend for themselves, void of the unity that was me...

Of ghosts and angels, the stories are just a mechanism to provide hope I believe... Hope that all is not futile, fear that immoral acts will bear punishment... Really takes an effort to carry on with the daily soceital living inspite of seeing the void future... Thats when the beauty appeals... As Feynman said that the beauty that we have been lucky enough to percieve from such a high mental framework is all that you need to realize that life has given much more than death can probably take away...

RANTING WORKS...

Now...

2008-06-12T22:26:00.000-07:00

As is darn evident from the title I just want to rant a bit... boredom is but the precursor to forced creativity... Also frustration and lost love too do work as excellent muses to apalling creativity... As they say in the vedas and in the words of the poets, from all destruction doth rise creation itself...

As you can definitely make out I am just a confused soul... God ( I am an agnostic... still...) wielded the 'Confundo' charm whilst I was being created... Unlike the children from 1947 midnight, I do not have any special powers I must confess... Believed I had though as a child much as we cling on to our faith of the super-natural...

A bit about myself... If anyone but the forced few are still willing to find out... I ( I quite like using the Capital I), though I would love to convince myself that I am no egoist..., am a confused, qualified (if degrees are anything to go by) Physicist, Half an MBA, a singer and a violinist... However as is very apparent I am perpetually confused...

Confusion is but the key to a carefree existence... take life or rather the events that make our lives as they choose to come... lucky for me I am not an outcast to society as of yet... which basically means good enough institutes (not mental, as much as u would like to believe) have always accepted me...

Even now I am confused whether the corporate life is for me, and if it is what in it is???

I guess the only thing I am sure of in life is the halo of the life I envy... I want to be successful (again confusion as to its definition, but basically I have accepted it to be when people like saying that I have done well), and have a nice family... People have been my truest faith in life... Whether we just remain as isolated atoms without the pattern of life after we die (am scared of death, of imagining the void, like the 'seventh seal' where Ingmar Bergman himself faced the notion of death face to face) , or not we as humans are lucky enough to 'feel' the beauty of relationships... Yes am quite sensitive as a person... and often embaress myself with outpourings...

Truly writing does help solve boredom...atleast till I do not get bored of it... :)

I guess as an inaugaration post I have done even my confused state of being proud... Will follow soon with a second post...

The next line is a marketing gimmick...

READ TO LEARN THE PHILOSOPHIES OF LIFE... STATE OF BEING